I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
