did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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