if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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