I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
