apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
