Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
