FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
