Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
