Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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