SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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