someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
