I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
