im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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