I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
