Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
