I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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