she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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