you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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