Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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