wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
