i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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