Already got asked if we're dating
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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