The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
