Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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