I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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