I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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