i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
