I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
