Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
