please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
