If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
