I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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