I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
