allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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