The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
