Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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