Your tits are I can't wait for
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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