Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
