What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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