it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
