he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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