I think scott just propositioned me for sex
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
