Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
