Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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