Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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