And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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