Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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