I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
