Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
