You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
