Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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