I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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