the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
