I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
