Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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