If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Text me some of your sweat
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
