Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
