You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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