She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
birth control should be required to get into college
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
