In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
