Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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