If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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