Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
