To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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