Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
