how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I FOUND THE LEGS
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
