Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
