What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
