pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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