My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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