Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
