I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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