I accidentally had phone sex last night
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
